but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can feel your judgement through the phone
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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