What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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