And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need water and some morals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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