Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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