So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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