there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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