You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
