I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize