It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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