I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
