My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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