the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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