She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
