How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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