Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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