I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
