Umm I'm too high to move.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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