I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
