I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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