The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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