last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
