We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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