Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
