I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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