My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
