I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the condom got lost in my hair
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
