Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
