my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
