If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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