Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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