Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
