it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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