My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
