somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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