In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize