That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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