piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
