Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
