I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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