I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
as a side note pls kill me
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