see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
