and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
