My first STD was from a foam party
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
