Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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