just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I am one with the molecules
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
