Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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