The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
