When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
