I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize