This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
