why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
