Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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