I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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