Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
