Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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