Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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