i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
