Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
