I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
