i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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