I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize