OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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