I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize