Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
