Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
