Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
