dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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