there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
