i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
