Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
