I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
